Archive for February 2012 | Monthly archive page
And already, as soon as that cursor starts blinking, the anxiety reaches up from within my chest and grabs a hold of my throat, slowly but surely crushing it. Remember, Brandi, you came here to observe. Not to tinker with this or that, just to observe.”
So, here I am at quarter of two in the morning, wide awake in the glow of the LCD screen in my lap. The fan within the laptop is whirring as I’m sitting back with it in my lap. The warmth actually feels good on my always-cold hands. I am actually quite tired but this writing itch must be relieved before I go to sleep.
I find myself in a familiar place in a cycle of post>high/relief>coasting>slowing/pressure>buildup/friction>release>post… I’m in the buildup/friction part where I’m driving myself crazy with all the negative chatter that I have been and am moving away from. I’m coming to accept that this is simply part of the creative process, part of being a conscious and self-aware physical sensory extension of the Divine, and that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with any of it.
That’s a big one. I think it needs a paragraph all for itself.
There is nothing wrong with any of it!
Woooo, that felt good. My breath just went noticeably deeper into my belly and my heart rate normalized. Let that sink in a minute. I just said I’m being choked by gripping anxiety and overrun with negative self-talk… and then I said there is nothing wrong with any of it?
Gizmo reminds me that our gremlin’s crazymaking is misguided Love.
WTF? What the hell is that even supposed to mean? I mean, come on, anxiety sucks, and besides, it’s what’s ruining my life. Where do I get off declaring that this is acceptable? No, something must be done about this, there is never enough, this is a trick, this is where she always blows it, we cannot let her pull this “nothing wrong” baloney!!
And if I sit too long, if I let my fingers stop moving, the anxiety creeps back in. I just realized I’m sitting here in silence… well, it’s incredibly windy tonight so the wind chimes are twinkling like crazy and the glass is rattling in the widow frames.
I have so many ideas running through my head and many of them are great ideas, ideas I should act upon, just not until I do thirty other things first. At least 20 of those 30 also involve long lists of other things, so who knows when I’ll actually get around to them. Besides, I usually forget. Or I write it down somewhere and never see it again. I searched a bit for creative time management resources and found myself reading lists of tips I already know by heart.
Know your priorities, … holy crap, that just brought an anxiety spike up through my body. Damn, I guess there’s a soft spot in there… yes, obviously, I’m talking about actually finding a way to plan my time that not only works for me but works with me to make me even more effective. I think that tomorrow I’m going to find one of those browser apps that limit the amount of time the user is allowed to stay on websites the user specifies. That, and I’m going to do some work around gaining further clarity on Junkies Rising and how to make my right schedule. I gave my gremlin front and center stage tonight in exchange for my Heart getting front and center tomorrow.
With this intention I wish you all a goodnight and fruitful dreams.
Love & Light
Smoothie(+organic kale, romaine, dandelion, apple juice+strawberries+blackberries)
What’s a girl to do? I feel like Dorothy as she first starts crying out Lions and tigers and bears! Oh MY!! Lions and tigers and bears! over and over again. This is not the only choice presenting itself like this to me right now either. Oh, no, certainly not by a long shot. Choices, choices, and even more choices seem to be flying at me as if I were a spherical target taking projectiles from all angles. It tends to be a teensy bit…. overwhelming.
My blood sugar is a bit wacky again, too, after totally indulging last week in the name of forsaking future dis-ease for immediate gratification. I let myself eat chocolate as needed for over a week with the justification of being on a rapid taper detox from Suboxone while also being on my period. Really, the only times I ever even crave chocolate have been either on my period or when I was using dope all the time. Ha! One summer I ate pretty much nothing but ice cream and Dunkin Donuts Coffee Coolattas. At any rate, with the way my blood glucose levels respond to any significant sugar consumption (i.e. a can of soda, a whole regular size candy bar, or Chinese boneless barbecue ribs), letting myself indulge last week has left me spinning this week. Low blood sugar = wacky Brandi.
I see myself sabotaging but feel like I should just watch for now. Watch as I go get a piece of pizza out of the fridge, top it with pineapple (my way of making it “easier” on my stomach) and then eat it. Only have one, and take whichever piece is smallest. Then, after I eat that, I’ll make a big smoothie. A smoothie big enough to have two maybe even three 12oz glasses of it. Get back in the swing of things.
I see the excuse in there, but I’m too hungry right now to care. This is what happens with the blood sugar beast. Can’t focus. Can’t complete thoughts. Can’t and blah blah blah. There is so much more to this train of thought, however, my beloveds, I must go feed the beast for now. The beast must be tamed and I will come back once my hands stop shaking.
In the process of setting this up for you, but first I need to understand how it works, so I can then explain it to you