Archive for January 2012 | Monthly archive page
I have been smacking myself on the back of the neck all day with WHY AREN’T YOU WRITING WOMAN??? It’s driving me crazy. Who can write with someone like that smacking them in the back of the head all day?? Certainly not I. What I can do, however, is notice and back off. Just decide that’s it, playing with the energy of anxiety and overwhelm and lostness kinda sucks. I mean, sure, sometimes it’s useful and there’s unique insight to be discovered somewhere within it but then there’s just plain old crazy-making.
I am being my own crazy-maker today and instead of continuing to run around in circles I am going to throw on some ambient music and go quiet. That’s what I’ve been calling what I’ve been doing more and more and more of- prayer, meditation, listening, silence, journeying… basically anything going within and away from the distractions of a life in and out of motion. It’s the weekend, so there’s weekend xbox going on in the background, but that background xbox also comes with lotsa love, similar taste in movies (also on xbox/Netflix), and is my best friend.
So! Look at that! In coming to say I wasn’t posting but going to go quiet instead I wound up at the end of a post after all. Sweet. Cool. Thank you. I love it when I get the gentler nudges. I love you all and am sending my lovey vibes out through my fingertips and into the backs of your eyes as you read this. I hope it finds you well- and if not, then just accept the love as it’s offered, you deserve it so just soak it all in. Be mad, be cranky, be sad- but do let yourself feel love and remember to laugh at yourself from time to time. You are doing freaking great. Sometimes it’s so hard for me to remember that one myself- that I’m actually in such a much lighter-feeling place these days, that even in the depths of some pain that I may feel I am nowhere close to the far-flung reaches of despair I used to feel. Ok, with that, as I actually do want to go quiet right now,
I bid you adieu.
Wow. I am in a rather unpleasant state of shock. You see, I’ve been going to this treatment center called Clean Slate for the last year. I received a letter today saying, quite coldly, that they are closing ten days from now and patients are advised to seek treatment elsewhere. Well. When I started going there last year, they were the ONLY treatment center accepting my state insurance. All of the other doctors were cash only and priced to the tune of at least $500/month. You can read the letter yourself, below.
So, now I’m feeling an urge to panic, to blame all over the place, or just flat freak out. I’ve already called my mental health provider (yup, imagine that! an addict with mental “problems!” whoduvthunkit?) and left a message. I’m hoping that since the two providers worked out a referral agreement that they will know what is going on and have some advice as to where to start from here. I also sent firstname.lastname@example.org an email asking if they can help us find a new provider or if the list of methadone programs enclosed with their letter was their way of helping us make the transition. I was on methadone for a while, years ago, but it was a nightmare. I think I did more cocaine while I was in that program than I have all other times combined. Now, because of my past experience with it and what I’ve seen with others, I really don’t consider methadone an option.
I’ve been on Suboxone for two years. The last year has been legally, through a treatment center, and the first year I was just buying them from people I knew. For a while that worked, but really, it was just too much like using when I had to find more. Luckily I only had two weeks two summers ago where I couldn’t find any and had to look for methadone instead. I am so incredibly grateful that I’m not in that position anymore and have been every single day since starting the program. When I found out that Clean Slate not only existed but accepted state medical insurance, I was thrilled. I was one of their first patients when they opened. I’ve even referred several people that were using to Clean Slate (who are now also screwed). I loved the place. Just last week, at my last appointment, I was telling the clinician how grateful I was to be there and how much it meant to me to have this program there for us. That was literally the day before the letter was mailed out! She gave no indication whatsoever that anything was amiss.
This brings me to a question:
What are you doing for ongoing support with your sobriety?
There’s still a part of me, leftover no doubt from my years with AA, that tries to convince the rest of me that being on Suboxone means that I’m not really clean. I don’t really believe that, but part of me likes to chime in with that one now and then. Pesky ego mind. For the last couple months, as I really examine and flesh out my *dreams for the future*, I’ve decided that I was going to plan to be completely off of Suboxone by this time next year, so winter 2012 (just in time for the End! lol). I talked this plan over with the clinician Clean Slate just a couple weeks ago. She agreed and said that it sounds like a totally reasonable plan. NOW WHAT??
Now I step back and allow what is happening to happen. I can’t change it...though in the email I wrote to Clean Slate I did ask if there is anything we can do as concerned patients to perhaps stop their doors from closing… and when we can’t change something our next best choice is to accept it. Meanwhile, I will explore options for either continuing treatment or perhaps a way to safely and somewhat comfortably detox off of the Suboxone. I hope to receive some comments on this post about what others’ might do in a similar situation. They are appreciated and more than welcome. After all, that’s what a blog is for, right? I’m going to go have a smoothie and let this topic rest for the night.
On Saturday I finally actually started making green smoothies. You can see in the pictures what a mess I had in my kitchen! I’m trying to work out some kind of system for buying, then prepping and storing veggies in like pre-measured packages of some kind. That way all I really have to do when I want one is pull a couple baggies out of the freezer/fridge, dump it in the blender, and turn it on.
After browsing around online for a while, I came up with a hodge-podge recipe of my own. If this is someone else’s recipe already, I apologize and promise that I threw this together in the moment and really didn’t mean to steal it from you.
- 3-4 leaves of organic romaine lettuce
- 1/4 cup parsley, organic, de-stemmed (and this is something I’m not even sure I have to do seeing as it’s going in a blender to get mashed pulverized… I for some reason have the idea that stems will be bitter? If you know, please, comment and enlighten me. Not having to de-stem would certainly cut back on prep time:)
- 3-4oz of chopped fresh spinach
- 4-5 dandelion leaves, organic
- 3/4 cup lightly steamed carrots (I steamed them for a few minutes because of the whole beta-carotene not being as available in raw carrots as it is in lightly cooked carrots…again, if you know that this is an unnecessary step, please let me know!)
- 1/2 avacado
- juice of 1/2 lemon
- 1/2 Gala apple, peeled
- 6oz apple juice
I literally just threw it all in the blender, then whizzed it up for a couple minutes, or until I didn’t see any chunks. I’m working with an old hand-me-down Black & Decker blender and after looking at the prices for Vitamix blenders, I think I’ll be using this one for quite a while. I had to tamp the mixture down a couple times, to make sure that what was on top was getting whizzed up just as much as what was in the bottom.
Oh, yeah, this made about 32 oz, which I drank all last night. SOOO GOOD!!
There is also a picture of a big pot of green stuff. Let me explain that, lol. No, I did NOT cook my smoothie! I made this onion broth mixture that I recently heard about somewhere. I’ve been feeling like I’ve got some kind of infection and onions are naturally antibiotic. I also crushed like seven cloves of garlic (love garlic) and threw in a packet of hot pepper flakes that was leftover from pizza delivery. As I was prepping the greens for the smoothie, I thought why not blend some of these boiled onions up with some of this spinach and throw it right in that broth? So, I did… along with a handful of chopped up carrots. Just to give it a little more variety than simple onion flavored water.
Alas, my evening did not go entirely as planned so the broth got cold. Later, I turned the burner on to heat it up, then went into the living room, sat down and got totally wrapped up in a text message conversation. Some time later, I kept smelling what I thought was the neighbors cooking. Then it hit me… I had food on the stove and totally forgot all about it. I jumped up (well, as much as I can jump anywhere) and sure enough, the broth had all boiled away and the stuff was burning to the bottom. If I’d let it go maybe five more minutes, I’d probably have had a kitchen fire. So, lesson learned: Don’t leave food cooking on the stove then get into a complicated conversation and forget about it.
I’ll be posting much more about my adventures in smoothie making, as improving my diet is my HUGE project these days. I have been clean and sober for almost a year now and continue to feel like crap most of the time. It’s time to make deeper changes. For me to RISE, I must align my physical body with HEALTH rather than dis-ease. So, stay tuned for more yummy creations and recipes to make your own.
In the mean time, take a look at what you’ve been putting into your own body. So many of us eat a diet of convenience and mindlessness. Now, I’m not criticizing, just being honest. There is simply nothing healthy about fast food or super-sweets (and you know how much many of us *Junkies* love the sugar!). There is nothing healthy about drinking pots of coffee every day, either.
So, ask yourself if there is anything about the way you are eating that you could change?
Small changes are the easiest to make and can look like simply trading one cup of coffee for a cup of green tea or one fast food meal on-the-go to a salad and a smoothie. Small changes also add up to BIG changes over time. Which brings me into a whole new topic for another blog post.
With Love~ Brandi
So, after writing, formatting, and publishing the post earlier, I decided that it was time for me to sign up for an Amazon Affiliate account. Well it turns out that Connecticut based web-site owners are freaking excluded from the program!! After a brief internet search it turns out that is has something to do with CT being able/unable to collect tax on affiliate sales. WTF, man? I don’t get it. But then, I don’t really understand much about tax laws either. It’s been a good eight years since I’ve filed taxes. Seeing as my only income has been SSI and CT DSS I’ve had no need to file any taxes for years. I’m going to have to look into the laws around affiliate sales and income tax. Jeepers.
While I was searching for that information I came across some of the rules for bloggers as far as copyright and disclosure are concerned. Pretty much I just have to reveal that I have an affiliate relationship with a company/product if I link to it from my blog. Easy Peasy. Or at least it seems so from here. I am creating a page that lists all current affiliate relationships, with active links (and maybe eventually even little mini-reviews!). For now I want to just say that if I link to something, unless the context of the link specifically says otherwise, I vouch for them. Usually affiliate links (in my limited experience to date) exist for specific products rather than broad cross-site purchases so those will be more clear.
I’m bummed about this Amazon Affiliate thing! I was checking out how some other bloggers have set up Amazon Stores and was excited to start setting one up for you all. Now I’m going to have to just make a list of some kind. Ahh, it’s ok. I’ll figure it out. First things first, though, which is disclosing my affiliate relationships. Look for the new “Affiliate Relationships” page coming soon